Love is more than Valentine’s Day

Valentines day began as the feast of St Valentine, and was first associated with romance in the middle ages. In 18th century England, it evolved to a day when lovers expressed their love to each other through flowers, greeting cards (known as Valentines) and confectionery.

Today, like it or not, Valentines Day has become highly commercialised, with spouses, lovers and potential lovers encouraged to give mass-produced greeting cards, themed chocolates, red roses, lingerie and gifts.

Whilst Valentines Day celebrates romantic expressions of love, maintaining a loving relationship in real life takes commitment and hard work.

So how do long-term partners maintain a strong, loving relationship? There are no secrets, just some common sense principles to follow:

1. Be realistic

A new romance is based on infatuation. Whilst you’re initially smitten, it’s important to understand that these giddy feelings don’t last. As you and your partner experience the ups and downs of everyday life, your relationship will become deeper and richer. It’s important to retain romance, however it’s unrealistic to expect your relationship to be sunshine and roses 24-7-52.

2. Work on your relationship

A strong relationship needs attention and maintenance, like any other aspect of your life. You and your partner need to address problems and misunderstandings quickly so they don’t worsen. If you neglect this maintenance, your relationship is in danger of breaking down.

3. Communicate

Even good relationships break down if there’s no communication or poor communication. Effective communication requires strong listening, empathy and honesty. Start by listening to your partner without interrupting them. When they finish talking (and not before), summarise your understanding of what they said. Try to empathise with your partner, even if you don’t agree. If they feel understood, they’ll be more open to hearing your thoughts and feelings, and you’re more likely to reach a positive solution.

4. Be honest

Sometimes it’s difficult to share things with your partner that they don’t want to hear. However, it’s better to share these than to lose your partner’s trust. Trust (or lack of trust) is a deal breaker in all relationships. If trust is lost between partners, it’s difficult or impossible to re-establish and impacts on all aspects of your relationship.

5. Agree to disagree

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you won’t agree on an issue. That’s OK. Instead of wasting energy on disagreeing, agree to compromise or work around the issue. Unless it’s impacts directly on your relationship, make a choice to find an alternative way of resolving that you can both live with.

6. Share quality time

Spending quality time together is important. Without the distraction of television, kids, pets or other interruptions, you can focus on enjoying each other’s company and maintain your bond. Many couples set aside a “date night” to ensure they continue to have quality time to do shared activities other than parenting, work or domestic duties.

7. Give each other space

It’s important to have separate interests and activities so each partner can maintain their own space. Rock singer, Pink sings “Go away, give me a chance to miss you”. Spending time apart from your partner can remind you how important they are to you, and you can each share your experiences when you come back to the relationship from your time apart.

8. Celebrate your differences

Sometimes, your partner will drive you crazy. Instead of trying to change your partner, try to focus on their positive aspects. By appreciating the things that make you different, you will see how you balance and complement each other. Instead of being frustrated by your differences, you’ll see how you can use these to make you a strong team.

9. Treat your partner as you want to be treated

Treating your partner respectfully, lovingly and expressing appreciation for their presence and contribution is important. It also means they’re more likely to treat you the way you want to be treated. Saying “I love you” may have become a habit, so pause to show your partner you really mean it.

Busy schedules, long work hours, and pressured family routines can all get in the way of a healthy relationship.

Taking the time to strengthen your relationship every day by following these principles will be more effective than flowers and chocolates once a year on Valentines Day.